Today's Blog Post is very special.
Today is as maybe some of you know, but, probably none of you know, Velociraptor Awareness Day.
In this special edition of my daily blog I will be outlining several things we should all know.
1. About Velociraptors[General Info]
2. What are the dangers?
3. What can I do to keep me, and my family safe?
1. About Velociraptors
As we all know from the film Jurassic Park, Velociraptors are 6ft tall, 9ft long dinosaurs from the cretaceous period. These buggers are smart too, they'll open doors and raid your kitchen freezer. What a lot of us don't know about these beasts is that much like you and me, they have feelings. The best thing to do when a velociraptor is staring you in the face is insult its mother or father, perhaps the beast's upbringing or nationality. It will get sad and run off. Saying "Clever Girl..." is the quickest way to becoming lunch, as it compliments the dinosaur, and infuses it with confidence.
Your mother is so fat...
2. What are the dangers?
The dangers of velociraptors are of course the obvious, being eaten. Velociraptors exist for the sole purpose of eating you and making you miserable, lurking in the shadows and waiting until you've just turned on the power or done something else significant before gnawing your leg off. Oh god my leg!
He's about to turn the lights on, and we all know what happened to him.
3. What can I do to keep me, and my family, safe?
There are several things you can do to keep yourself safe. Stay out of grass that exceeds two meters in height, Velociraptors make their homes in taller shrubberies and are widely known to be responsible for crop circles, as seen in the hit movie Signs, starring Jesus Ch--Mel Gibson.
Signs, signs, everywhere a sign...
But what about my family!?
What about them? They're already dead. While you were busy screwing around on an Island a T-Rex was rampaging through your hometown. Didn't you see The Lost World: Jurassic Park!?
But I don't live in San Diego!
Yes, you do.
So that about wraps it up people, Remember April 18th is Velociraptor awareness day, keep your windows shut and your doors locked. They're climbin' in your windows, snatchin' all your people up tryna...
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