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A Fresh Albeit Rocky Start

Time to catch people up real quick:
Three years ago a Japanese exchange student I went to High School with bonded with me quite a bit. Unfortunately that was closer to the end of the year, so our relationship was short lived. I didn't know until a week ago that my ex had been attending college here for 2 years and met up with her again. Of all the girls I've come to love, no one else has recieved love on par with mine for her except for maybe ONE other (yes, that would be the girl I wrote about almost a year ago).

I broke up with Sayaka in my senior year of High School because I was overly worried. It was a local relationship gone long distance (Japan). She had slight drug problems, was a bit too much of a drinker, most her friends were 22+ guys, and she had an eccentric party goer friend named Cindy who would try to force Sayaka to watch her having sex with Cindy's boyfriend. There was also some party where a guy tried taking her to a love hotel.

Panic paradise.

Sarcasm aside, I really do think she's a great girl. She's very easy for me to get along with, and it seems like she's matured since High School. I can now actually see progress as a possibility with her.. I should clarify that that's the optimist in me speaking. The pessimist tells me she's just trying to use me and like her, I should use her for all she's worth in return. The devil in me says she could be a total b****. The angel in me says her tears ring true to her heart.

Naturally, there's reasons why I have very slight cruel thoughts about it all. First of which was the fact that she has a boyfriend. Yeah, that's the second girl in a row for me. But in her words, he left her here 4 months ago for Michigan and says he doesn't know when he'll see her again. They planned on going to California this December for Christmas, but now he tells her "Oh, I don't know if i'll be able to still, I'm so busy.". He's also too busy to text or call whenever he's not horny. And it's really only December and then next June that she'll be able to see him, because she's going back to Japan fall of next year.

Why she wastes her time with him is beyond me. Apparently she feels it would be like she was wasting her time if she broke up, because she's been together with him for 2 years.. Though as of late she hasn't been respecting their relationship boundaries, which prompted me to put my foot down and say "No more until you deal with him". Do the math to figure out what I mean.. But if a girl is in a relationship, I'm not going to be there to be played like a fiddle. Another part of me wonders why someone like me would waste my time with her. *sigh*.. Maybe it's me and my faith in the better of people.

It's hard to say why I'm so gun ho about her, but I'm sure everyone's met someone who's really knew how to make you shine. I've only known two girls who could do that, and Sayaka is the one out of the two that I still have a chance with... But I'm not sure if she'll make up her mind.

I mentioned earlier that the angel in me believes her tears. Last saturday I hung out with her and drank a little. Not a ton, but not too light either. The end of that night was when I had put my foot down and told her she had to deal with her boyfriend. For a brief moment I saw a tear fall from her face and hit mine. In usual fashion I asked what was wrong, and was returned with the familiar "nothing". I talked more with her and she was upset that I thought she was using me. That's what gets me. I've heard multiple times from her that she likes me more than just a friend too, and it's when I see those tears roll down her face, I want nothing more than to love her and be loved back.

For me, this is the girl that got away and this is the girl I never want to give back. I can accept that I may have to and can live with it, but despite her mistakes I still love her as a person and who she is. Deep inside I know she wants someone who cares about her regardless of how she is. I'd give a lot just to ensure another shot with her.

I don't know what it is I want from posting all this-- Encouragement, words of caution or notice to evacuate the building immediately.. But this is very pressing on my mind. It's funny though. A lot of my recent entries are about frusteration, catch 22's and uncertainty, but I'm feeling quite a bit less anxiety than usual. Really weird to say after I went 4 days without prozac.. But I'm back taking it again. I'm feeling close to being able to dive into the world without it, but the prime stability I'm going for just isn't there right now. Even if i'm better at controling my fears now.

-(A very confused) Andrew


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