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An Anthology Of Dead Ends

As I continue to look toward the future, seeking my own happiness and contentment, I can count many times I've set out on foot only to fail. Some attempts worse than others, but every time I've learned something new. But on multiple occasions I've learned and forgotten. A common flaw of man.

In a recent blog entry of mine, there was a discussion that came up between Snoogus, bloodfire and myself. It sort of reflected what I had felt and what I had wanted to feel.. And what I had been told had reinforced my will to keep moving forward. But I suppose the question of what moving backwards looked like would need to be answered first.

I've written in the past that I used to be very angry. Put simply, I was a punk. I guess I never actively hurt anyone by just carving my own trail, but I never was conscious of who I hurt passively in my isolation and my ignorance... Ignorance, arrogance, conceit. In one way or another it all was there.

Faye: They often say that humans can't live alone... But you can live pretty long by yourself. Instead of feeling alone in a group, it's better to be alone in your solitude. When I'm dealing with them, it's nothing but trouble and I don't get squat out of it... So it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.

Gren: You just got scared of losing them... So you distanced yourself from them.
Like I wrote in my previous entry, yes, I was foolishly just like Faye Valentine.. Except I was much more oblivious to it.

I remember one time I wrote a blog about how good it felt to have a long lost friend back. I was the one in the wrong in the past. Just kind of gave the cold shoulder for the sake of my studies, as I was never very good at staying on task. I wrote that I would never let that happen again, and yet by passively distancing myself I was basically just at it again.

I kept telling myself I belonged somewhere else.. Despite how we don't see each other often, these friends of mine now have remained longer than any others. I tell you this, more than anything else on this day, I regret what I did seven years ago more than anything else.

Looking back, it seemed like I was in constant transition. I went from feelings of happiness to anxiety, melancholy, anger, rage, sorrow, and dissatisfaction.. Each took hold of me for at least a month at a time, all in the course of a year. It was such an overload that I just started to become numb. There's a song from the newest Nine Inch Nails album (The Slip) that illustrates it great.. But what he whispers at the end is closer to the mantra I had than anything else.

Nice and high and far apart... Just like they said.
I built this place with broken parts... Just like they said.
You chip away the old version of you and you'd be surprised at what you can do.
I'm safe in here, Irrelevant... Just like they said.

My voice just echoes off these walls.

You feel me breathe, I am watching you... I see it all.
The many ways you can't get to me... I see it all.
I see the hell you put yourself through, oh the things I could do if I wanted to..

My voice just echoes off these walls. I don't need anything at all.
My voice just echoes off these walls... And I just slowly fade away

You will never ever, ever, ever get to me in here.
It became obvious to me eventually that hating the world did nothing. It became obvious to me that not caring about the world did nothing.. And recently I came to realize that just watching the world go by has done absolutely jack. Sometime near the same week of my discussion with Snoogus and Bloodfire, I found what I was looking for.

Balance.. it's so simple but it's something that gets overlooked all too often I think. Lately I've been looking at the concept of balance as absolutely brilliant. Aside from that, I'm starting to understand why it's such a common theme across Japanese media... Applying balance generally helps achieve peace. But what bloodfire shared helped connect a few dots in my consciousness.

The suggestion he made was to love the world.. or at the very least, care for the world.. But care or love all of it. In some ways, balance is not an element, but in the sense that it should be equally spread, it's there in full.

I am human, I am not without error. I understand that I may try for my best, but I can already foresee that a natrual subconscious bias will alter how I will act and percieve things. I believe so long as I attempt to keep the concept of caring/loving everyone consciously intact, the natural flow of the subconscious' minor changes will be fine. For example, I will obviously love my family more than most others.. It's just the way things are.

Finally, a few days ago I was thinking about state of being. Happiness versus unhappiness. The silliest thing I picked out of it was more often than not, we rely on the people we [b]want[b] to make us happy.. make us happy. And then when they don't, we get upset about it. The reality is, anyone can make you happy.

Case in point. When I was in Mexico, I was trying to get through a crowd to get on the bus. While I was walking, a local girl tapped my shoulder and then quickly hid behind her friends as they started giggling. I tried making eye contact, but she kept looking away and acting as if she had done nothing. When I finally got on the bus, the seats were full, so I stood in the aisle. I looked out the window down where that girl was and saw her blushing and giving a warm smile. I returned one. It was something so simple, but it probably made both our days, or at least completely changed our moods.

There's more I'd like to say, and many tangents I could go off on.. But I think I will leave it at this and let discussion take it's course. What does the rest of the blog community think? It's an interesting topic in my opinion.. But maybe that's just me.

"If I see a light flashing, could this mean I'm coming home?
If I see a man waving, does this mean I'm not alone?"

Extra Audio Aid: Calvin Harris - I'm Not Alone (Deadmau5 Remix)


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