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Bftr Vi Reflections Of Self

Having just spent the day relaxing after a small lan party, I've been browsing the web a little without any specific direction or goal in mind. i had a great time, by the way. Hosted it here, and my three best friends from high school and one friend I had originally met online came. Basically spent the night playing Warcraft 3 (well.. we intended to anyway), Geometry Wars 2, Halo Wars and Halo 3. Well, anyway...

One of the people that we played with on Xbox Live had a myspace link up in their bio. Usually when I see a myspace link, I get curious. I checked out this person's myspace page, and in a very brief glance of their page I felt a reflection of myself some of the words there. Quotes relating to value of self and others and opinions of specific behaviors. I can't say it's all bad, because really it isn't bad at all. But reading a specific few are what started the clockwork in my mind, and it reminded me of insecurities I had and have just recently gotten over.

It kind of made me sad to read what I did. Not because of what the text said but the mentality I recall I had when I said similar things. It was so easy to take advantage of me back then. I guess that's also why it was so easy for these friends of mine to let me go back when they initially did.. Though one of the three were not involved whatsoever, so I can't say that about him.

I ended up catching myself in train of thought and have started to scold myself a little. I just had a great time with these friends of mine, and I'm already starting to worry what will become of the future. I don't say this to defend myself, but I suppose you could say it's because I'm subconsciously, and almost desperately, wanting this situation with my friends to heal to completion and resume what I had back then. A form of unconditional love.

I've tried finding it from a significant other a few times, and it worked for a while. Obviously that sort of thing isn't an option right now, and that's probably for the best. Relationships are tough work half the time, and when they crumble without anyone else to break your fall.. it really hurts. After a good half year of convincing myself, I've decided a significant other is not going to be something I'll seek just yet.

Unconditional love between a good group of friends is something I've found to be more rewarding (..though sometime I think it would be healthy to have both). To me, it's like having the brothers I never had, and that's really what it's been like with these friends during our better times. It makes sense too. If you went to a high school with a graduating class of 7, and a total school population average of 14, you'd feel like they were family as well. Day in and day out you see them, and despite knocking heads once in a while, you learn to get along.

Well, long story short, I started to think about them a bit more and worried a little. I'm going to be in school and have a job soon, and I feel like maybe I'm wondering/worrying too much about how this bond between me and my friends will go now that we've been around each other more. Will school and work hinder that too much? I guess I shouldn't fret too much-- work is necessary, school is necessary. There's no real base to my worries if everything is fine so far.

I didn't sleep til about 10am yesterday, so maybe I'm just tired still.


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