For over a month now I've calmed down quite a bit. I've been able to do away with the past and focus on a potential future. A direct effect of that is a feeling of improved friendship with these friends I've had at my side for years now. I'm starting to realize it's pointless to fret about having "best" friends. For the longest time I felt that it was normal to always have one in the fullest sense. I think that, and some responsibilities I took up online, were what was mostly responsible for the barrier between me and other people. I'm no longer worrying about how black or how white my friendships are. I certainly do care about them, and in light of that I will continue to be thankful for how accepted I am with them.
In terms of significant others, I've been fairly set in my ways of saying I don't think I need one. I figure anyone worth my time will be the one to sway me, but with a tough job market right now, I especially don't want to worry about that. Though, apparently I still am.
Last night I had a dream where, of all places, I was in a mall. Somehow or another I found my ex there and dragged her aside, still wanting to ask questions for why she did what she did to me. In typical fashion of how she acted in aftermath, she proceeded to emit an aura of innocence in regards to her actions, but in the dream I didn't accept it.. Because outside of dreaming, I knew much better.
I woke up today feeling like something was missing again. I told myself "I guess it's true. All she was before she started acting up was all I really wanted". It's something difficult to accept, but it's true even without exaggerating about it... But I don't want someone who would toss me aside so easily. She really set the bar high. Then she destroyed it.
It's been over two months that I haven't worried about this.. And then a dream comes back to remind me. I guess you could say I've been forcing myself to be content being alone. But what else can I really do? Not in a fit position for anything more than I have right now.
Should you choose to read more, I encourage you to read the quotes in the spoiler box below. They are all from the oh so controversial The Catcher In The Rye, and are my favorites. I think it's a fit way to wrap this up.
I figured I could get a job at a filling station somewhere, putting gas and oil in people's cars. I didn't care what kind of job it was, though. Just so people didn't know me and I didn't know anybody. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. Everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf-mute b****** and they'd leave me alone.
The part that got me was, there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the g***** picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell, but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a g***** wolf. You take somebody that cries their g***** eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean b****** at heart. I'm not kidding.
The trouble with girls is, if they like a boy, no matter how big a b****** he is, they'll say he has an inferiority complex, and if they don't like him, no matter how nice a guy he is, or how big an inferiority complex he has, they'll say he's conceited. Even smart girls do it.
That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "f*** you" right under your nose. Try it sometime.
D.B. asked me what I thought about all this stuff I just finished telling you about. I didn't know what the hell to say. If you want to know the truth, I don't know what I think about it. I'm sorry I told so many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everybody I told about. Even old Stradlater and Ackley, for instance. I think I even miss that g***** Maurice. It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
That last line is so true too. *sigh*
"For the times I am down, at least a friend accompanies me. For the times I am alone, at least sadness accompanies me."
Due to some changes in the OCN blog section, I can't link videos/songs the way i used to. The song is called "Be Human", composed by Yoko Kanno and performed by Scott Matthew. Very cool song.
All comments welcome.