As I've shared in a previous blog, one of the biggest problems I have to face day to day is my own anxiety. It's what makes me snap into fits of itching rage and what makes me very paranoid about my every move and decision. Come to find out, it's also why I'm softspoken in person. I'm getting to the point where I'm frusterated with it.
A few days ago I had a great day. I don't know how to describe it really, but it was the complete opposite of what I usually experience. It lingered for maybe a day after that, but the memories of that are starting to fade.
Every day can't be a great day, and every day can't be a fantastic day. Believe me, I completely understand that. Really all I'm going for now is a series of days I can call "good" instead of mediocre days I hardly have an opinion of.
Now I've started to debate trying something I had never wanted to consider in the past-- anxiety medication.
I don't recall ever mentioning it before, but I consider myself a fan of Penny Arcade. Sometimes I read it every time the new comics are out, and sometimes I forget to and eventually read it in mass amounts to catch myself up.
Well about a year ago I discovered that one of the creators ("Gabe"; who draws the comics) posted a blog saying he had anxiety problems similar to myself. I revisited that blog entry of his recently and that is exactly why I'm considering getting medication for this. The "chain-worrying" he describes is exactly what I do.
I've read that blog maybe three times now, between a year ago and now. Reading it again had me curious-- hell, you could even say i'm anxious to see if Gabe had posted anything else on the subject of his anxiety. I went to google searching "site:www.penny-arcade.com anxiety" and basically only found the posts he linked. One was a post about how he has a strange fear of being lost (i hesitate to say strange though; i'm the same way right now). The other was a post from 2005 where apparently he had taken Ativan for it on occasion. In the post he expresses wonder in regards to what it would be like to take it daily. As for myself, although his experience seemed good.. would it really be so surprising to say I'm worried about the possible suicidal side effects of it listed on wikipedia? After all, we're talking about anxiety here, haha.
One of the factors that worries me the most was 5-6 years ago I was fairly unstable like that. Additionally, since my 18th birthday until a year ago, I viewed myself as the opposite of significant. Any other mental health woes I've had since then have basically been posted in previous blogs here, so if you read these bullhonkey doodads I post, you've essentially got that history.... But I can safely say, the lows I experience now are significantly "higher" than the ones I've experienced before.
Many people would probably try and argue that it can only go up from here, but man, sometimes I'm not too certain. I've got hope, sure. But half the time I'm petrified to do even the simplest things. As a whole, I feel as if I'm stuck in a labyrinth that has no exit. Every day is trying to find a nice corner to rest in for a little while until the board tilts again.. and the ball keeps on rolling.
The problem isn't just my fears either; it's my ability to concentrate. In some areas I do just fine. But if you want an idea of how my concentration looks, I started this blog two hours ago. I typed and thought for a half hour, then got distracted. I came back after an hour and a half and am now finishing. I did this with homework too, and sometimes it seriously cost me with my grades... And speaking of school, my grandpa recently ran into my old social studies teacher.
They were talking about some sort of plumbing problem he had. My grandpa (whom opened a plumbing company in the seattle area many years ago) helped him with it. Afterward they talked about me, and my teacher said "He's a bright kid, I'm disappointed he's not in college". I hear that all too often, and I rarely argue with that.
But one of the other things I wonder is how my studies will improve. I also wonder if I'll stay for Winter and Spring quarters this year as well. In the middle of Fall quarter, my lack of concentration always stressed me out, and I got worried about how Winter quarter would be. I hate it. I just want to be done with school and move forward, but when it comes to taking that action, I look and still don't jump.
In conclusion, one hell of a worry wart post? If I do end up taking medication, I think i'd take it at least until I'm done with college. I want to get my life in a bit more order than I've been able to on my own so far. I've tried for years to overcome this myself and have certainly gained progress... But a little boost for the time being.. is starting to seem like it wouldn't hurt.
I believe this is one of two tracks he assisted with on Dead Poetic's "Vices" album.
“In fighting and in everyday life you should be determined though calm.
Meet the situation without tenseness yet not recklessly, your spirit settled yet unbiased.
An elevated spirit is weak and a low spirit is weak. Do not let the enemy see your spirit.”
All comments welcome.