I'm a Sophomore in college (SUNY Binghamton), about to enter into second semester.
And things are not going well. I've failed my share of classes, my GPA is below 2.0, I'm on probation, I'm feeling depressed, angry, stupid...almost all my friends are doing better than me. I already screwed up a class freshman year in spring, yet I still could not motivate myself.
I thought I did alright in high school. 3.2 GPA, 1950 SAT score, 31 ACT score. I did not try that hard in school even though I was in mostly Honors classes. I thought everything ahead was going to be a breeze. I guess I just expected things to be handed to me.
Then I went to college. First semester felt great. With the new sense of freedom I felt I could do a lot of things now myself. I made friends at school and everything was good. The classes were easy so I spent most of my time playing games with friends or something.
Next semester rolls around. Everything at first seems alright...but Physics and Calc 2 were difficult. Even though I knew it was going to be difficult, even though I knew going to class was crucial to succeeding, I just didn't go. I just had no desire to go. So what did I do? I stayed on my computer all day and bought stuff with the money I got from an internship last summer. I paid the price later on, so did some of my friends. A lot of people I know withdrew from that Calc 2 class. But I was stupid and withdrew from an elective class...and then proceeded to screw up Calc (by not going to class).
I resolved to do better next time....next semester as a sophomore
This time I thought things were definitely going to be better. I had a friend as a roommate who could help motivate me. Classes were tougher, but I could push myself. Right?
Problem was, after the first year of common courses for all engineers, majors are declared and people split. Only a few of my friends went into EE or CoE with me, while the rest did ISE/ME or Bio E. Still, I had someone to push me right?
warning: next part might be boring
I had experienced programming before, and I knew I didn't like it. However one of my classes was a C programming course. The teacher seemed good, he knew his stuff, the material didn't seem that bad.
Later on in the semester however, the labs got impossibly hard. He did not tell us how to do them before he assigned them. In addition, a few days before the due date, he would attempt to "give you an idea" of what to do for the lab and then tell you to Wiki it. Most of the time spent on labs was searching on forums on what to do.
I was too lazy to do that, so I gave up on the labs. Half the class was failing the course by the time of the final...but I knew I just couldn't do it. My roommate tried pushing me, but gave up after realizing that I didn't try. He even tried giving me code but I refused it.
EE: Digital Logic was another story. The teacher was so bad...he knew his material but did not seem to care about the class at all. He would often show up late for lecture only to say he was caught up in "chain meetings." We even saw him sitting out in the courtyard drinking Dasani and eating Doritos. He often posted HW 2 days before it was due and it had mistakes due to "copy+paste" error. It was easy until later in the semester when we just lost track and the concepts got harder. My roommate and I both gave up on that class, but he was doing well in CS though...
Physics and math were both alright. Differential equations was easier than Calc 2 and physics 2 was harder than 1 but the grading was more lenient.
My roommate and I had the same classes. He would irritate me at times with practical jokes, but for the most part he is a good guy. He would make fun of me being depressed though, and that might have made things worse.
The result of that semester was terrible. I'm too ashamed to post it. I just know because of that semester and the one preceding it, that I'm on probation now. I can only take up to 14 credits.
My parents were angry, but the fact that they were not as angry as I expected made it feel worse. I knew I failed them again, but mostly that I failed myself again. It was obvious that I was not cut out to be an engineer, but was I cut out to be a college student even?
My dad has already paid the tuition, so I have to go. I've already decided that I want to change my major to economics. I drew out my course map for the next 2.5 years, and it looks like it's going to be tough. Changing majors at this point in time is bad, since I'm cramming 4 years into 2.5 years (not exactly because some of the courses I took still count towards graduation). This means i must take summer courses. It's a tough way, but I think I can make it with some help.
During the break, I've done a lot more reading than I have ever done here in school. I figured I'd better get used to reading a lot and that I need up my reading speed. I definitely think I need counseling, so I made a note to go talk to the counseling office at school.
I've looked at new ways of organizing myself, and put aside all of my computer stuff for later. I realized all the money I spent on it was useless. I didn't really game on them anyway, so why did I build them?
Anyway, feel free to share your thoughts on this (rather long) piece of stuff I wrote. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as well. I know what I have to do, but I've said that before. Will this time be different? I've been driven into a corner...how do I push myself out?
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