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Grey Days

"Life is a game, boy. Life is a game that one plays according to the rules."
"Yes, sir. I know it is. I know it."

Game, my ass. Some game.

If you get on the side where all the hot-shots are, then it's a game, all right — I'll admit that.
But if you get on the other side, where there aren't any hot-shots, then what's a game about it?

Nothing. No game.

Certainly has been a while since I've done what I'd call a "real" blog. Well... Unless you would count the blogs where I simply post a video/song. More than anything else, I suppose you could say "grey days" are what have been holding me back. That, and accidently losing my work after I had just fully typed one out.

Recently I've been doing much better with, well.. I guess life in general. Jobs are tough as hell to get though, so I'm still sitting in a state of unemployment. What's better is my battle with anxiety.

I don't know if it's the heat in this room from my PC being on 24/7 or what, but from time to time I will get an unbearable itch. Can you imagine scratching some crazy itch you have for more than just a few minutes? What about scratching with a balisong knife? Sounds crazy right? But it's exactly what I do when it comes up.

Whether it's just nails or a knife, sometimes it gets so bad I unknowingly start to bleed a little. Something similar to slipping the razor a little while shaving. Just a small patch. But it's not a problem of "Oh man, I hate my life. Cut cut cut." (highly stereotypical example; no offense intended), it's just a really bad itch I get, and it's not often something I can fully control. This is probably the only visible form of my anxiety.

The good news about it all is this problem used to be much worse. Worse in this itching problem, and worse in this "feeling content" problem. I'd like to say I'm doing a fair job at staying content now. As for the itching, I used to also have these fits of itching rage in the middle of the night and would wake from dead sleep to it. Another good tidbit is i've noticed the itching problem go down as i've become more comfortable with myself. The problem now is i'm finding myself at a bit of a standstill.

There was a quote I put in a previous blog from The Catcher In The Rye. At the very end of the quote it says "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.".. And man is that so true.

First and foremost, I love my friends. I really do. But the friends I have right now aren't very active, and as you may imagine, it leaves something more to be desired.

I remember the days I used to hang out with two of my friends on nearly a daily basis. I mean, how could you not in a High School that totaled 14 students? We didn't neccisarily go anywhere after school each day, as the time spent at school was usually enough to satisfy. Besides, we hung out every weekend anyway.

The thing I loved about back then was that we were all fully loyal to each other as a whole. We played our games, we did our late night mischief of sorts (nothing bad really). There was peace, and there was balance. A significant other would have been the cherry on top back then, but I was fully content without one. I had solid support from the friends I held close. You could say it was like a family. Right now I have the bare minimum of the above.

Since those High School days, a lot of stuff fell apart. It was ultimately because of that misfortune that I've had these anxiety problems like I do. Early on I was constantly on edge with myself and others. Looking back, it was likely because of the constant solitude and even more so from the shock of being abandoned (...for reasons even they, my HS friends, recognize as trivial now). But you can't erase the damage done.

The whole deal left pretty big marks on me. One of which was a dilluted sense of self worth (not feeling qualified enough for things, excessive apologizing), and the other was the terrifying thought of losing future friends in the same manner. In regards to the concept of trust, I was stabbed in the back in my most comfortable yet most vulnerable state. The frightening part was I could still sense the deceit through their words of reassurance.

Regardless, there was one thing I gained from those long days, and for better or for worse, that was time to think (and on occasion, overthink). To this day, aside from a small helping hand from my grandparents, I feel i've been "self mended". That is to say, I've been both the doctor and the patient. It's a weird feeling. We fight from time to time too. Just kidding, haha.

Probably the one thing I want more than anything else right now (even though a job would help tremendously..) is one rock solid friend. I know the friends I have now have emotion, but it's so scarcely seen it makes the friendships somewhat impersonal. I guess that's why I blog about these things. Can't really say anything to my friends without getting a weird look.

Somehow or another I'm sure things will work out. I'm a very patient guy, but it's tiresome waiting for days like those to come.

This time the music I'm posting will have video to go along with it. If you've ever wondered who the person was from my past two avatars (current one is my third) or from my blog picture... They were from Gungrave.

If you want to watch a wonderfully pieced together animated drama, I highly reccomend it. If you seriously think you'll end up watching it, please do not play the video below until after you've finished the series (one season, I believe 25 eps). I say this due to huge spoilers.. But otherwise, enjoy.

“Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure.
But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it.
Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.”


All comments welcome.


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