Consciously I've been completely fine with moving on from the bitter ending that I've faced with my ex... But what do I do when my subconscious is constantly torturing me? Let me explain.
I mentioned in previous blogs that I used to have a girl that I would do anything for (within reason) to put a smile on her face. I used to use my creative mind to scheme up cheezy, hilarious or thoughtful ways to accomplish it, and would embark on these missions of mine without any reason for doing it aside from a laugh and a grin.. and knowing she was happy.
I don't regret the positive things I've said in regards to that memory, because that's exactly what it is. A memory. It highlights the beauty of unconditional love and the true power of innocence.. But these days I'm unsure if I could say I still have a hold of that feeling. That unconditional state.
For a while I held on to it, because never before had I encountered someone so perfectly in tune with my interests.. Sadly she hadn't completely embraced the ideas and morals she claimed to have.. I will say with complete honesty, I am very vindictive.. At the same time I'm very controlled. End result? It takes a damn long time for me to truly embrace my anger in a situation, as I'm a firm believer in being slow to judge and slow to anger. I hardly ever get even, because I fear doing more damage to the other person in question than done to me.
On occasion, one of my friends will say to me jokingly "Feel the hate flow through you"... A concept I find very tempting, but equally stupid. How many times have any of us acted too quickly in a situation and kicked ourselves later? I know I have, and it's happened enough that eventually I said to hell with it and changed my ways.
Initially when I saw things falling apart with this girl, I noticed she was starting to slowly get colder and colder. We had never been the type to need to lie to one another (looking back, maybe it was just me who didn't need to..), because we put emphasis on communication. So imagine my shock when she tells me she felt cold inside-- when she told me she couldn't feel love for anyone anymore. She said she couldn't feel love for her mom she loved so dearly, her eccentric sister whom we both adored, nor her best friend.. Or in her words, the "other side of the coin" they both reside on, who I'm convinced has her living under her thumb.
She told me that it was something that she would deal with internally, because she's never been one to handle things of the sort any other way. I should have seen that as a red flag from the very beginning. Apparently (whether this is true or not) she started thinking about the guy before me (her first) and got sad... But I was assured everything would be fine.
Two days later, the morning following the midnight showing of Twilight (which I absolutely loved; beautiful movie), I was told "the transformation is complete" and she had gone completely internal. It completely broke me up (no, not her odd choice of words.. the impact of her decision ). Yet two days later she had her best friend laughing and hanging out with her on Thanksgiving day. Oh, and let's not forget how we (a few friends and I) added up that she may have been interested in another guy. She scattered clues all over the place to one of my female friends.. It slowly became completely obvious.
Irony at it's best. At some point in conversation I was led to share with her a story in which I once had a girl that I had only a minor complaint about and let things slip away.. Similar to mega_option101's passion/compassion chart (as posted by him as a comment to catmmm's blog, "interesting quote"), things fell out with that previous girl after the decline of passion.. Although I will shamefully admit there was another girl that caught my attention in the meantime.. and my ex's response to me was a loving smile and "Don't stress silly boy, it happens to everyone. It's okay.".. But still to this day, it's not something I'm proud of.
I speak of being dedicated to the ones I love, but that one early relationship of mine and how I made a mistake really bothers me. But the point I'm getting at is... If I was her second guy, then when did she gather the understanding of that situation before she was with me? That wasn't how things happened when I stepped into her life.
No, instead it was exactly what she was going through at that very moment. I have enough solid evidence for that fact to be true today. In fact, the guy she was after is still my friend today. I found out from him after she threw him away in the same manner she did to me. Neither one of us did her wrong.. She had just suddenly gone indecisive.
[To be continued...]
Extra audio aid: Breathe Carolina - With Or Without You (U2 Cover)
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