The whole time I was so hesitant to point the finger and poison her to me, yet now I wonder why. Whatever the answer to that wonder is the same answer for why I continue to be the best of a person I can humanly make myself. There is a reward that comes with it that is far better than any physical posession.. But in times like these I wonder why I should be concerned about that when the people I'm involved with don't see it the same way. It's a sheer frusteration with the "there's always something better" mentality.. Truth be told, not everyone is as happy or unhappy as they may seem, so you can never be so certain. We all like saving face to some degree.
I remember my friends being so irritated with her and asking me how I could be so calm in the midst of everything she was doing.. Well, to be honest I really didn't know for certain then, and inside I felt she didn't want to hurt me (despite how her selfish move made it unavoidable).. So I did what I felt to be the smartest course of action for the time being. Give her the benefit of a doubt.
Time passes, and I hang out with her one or two times. Things are fairly normal. I start to hear she decides to start hanging out with some other guy who she had always passionately hated (same guy halfway through Quantum Physics) for his complete lack of respect for women. How so? He became infamous among my circle of friends for saying that a particular part of the female anatomy was "basically just meat on a pole". Classy.
I completely fail to understand how she could tolerate someone like that. Sure, our words are not our actions, but why talk like that if that's not true to your character? In my opinion, putting on a front like that creates an ongoing dillema about yourself.. Because the big question will always be "Who are you now?".
For one thing, this particular guy trashed her reputation through publicly "kissing and telling".. Then later this "just friends" front they put up finally got knocked over, and what we (my friends and I) feared was true.
Let's put this on a timeline, shall we? Late November, we break up. Early December she's with a new guy. Early January I apologize for a few harsh words I had said, and she apologizes out of obligation and the idea of "fair trade". Early February she dumps this new guy and goes for yet another new guy that acts like a womanizer... And just a week ago I told her I was sick of her lying to me and everyone around her.
It took me four months to drop a little self control and confront her and make her come clean.. But she ran from it, so I apologized later that day (for better or for worse) explaining I would have been much better off just knowing truth instead of finding her out in her lies. In her own words, she claims she deserved every bit of it.. but I never told her one way or the other in response. I guess you could say the apology pushed things back into a neutral stance, but it still doesn't stop this haunted feeling I have.
I go to sleep and I dream of making amends and talking things out, even though that's not something I want anymore. I listen to upbeat electronica albums, yet there's always a few tracks on every album that scream out to me.. To name a few, Deadmau5's "Careless" (lyrics) and "I Remember" (lyrics), as well as The Crystal Method's "Comin' Back" (lyrics).. And just last night I had a dream I was hanging out with her new guy while he was pissed in regards to her ex (me), then he gets told I was that guy. Nervous laughter, he pretends he never said anything.. And I wake up.
The big question on my mind is, what next? How much longer will this be something I'm going to be tortured with? I certainly hope it won't continue much longer. Until I find my equal, I will resume learning how to live comfortably alone, doing no evil...
What I wanted was the girl I identified as having a beautiful soul, and who did me no wrong for 6 months.. I never saw disaster coming. But it's clear to me now that who she is now isn't who she was (..at least not completely). Even now a tear occasionally falls when I think back on it.. I was told I was the first guy to ever make her blush uncontrolably-- the first guy to make her "get all girly". I remember how adorable it was when she said she scolded herself because she thought there something was wrong with her.. There was nothing wrong. She just hadn't known love before.
"Only through struggle have I found rest.
With a piece of me taken away, I begin to understand.
Hollow out this machine like chest."
Extra Audio Aid: Pendulum - Propane Nightmares (very cool video, and a song with outstanding universal appeal)
All comments welcome.