It's really weird to think about how much has changed in a week. But I guess fast starts have fast endings. I should have been more careful and she should have as well. It doesn't matter now though.
The worries I held subconsciously finally broke through to consciousness, and they're worries that were all voiced by people close to me. My father wanted to know what "a 24 year old wanted with a 20 year old", my mother thought I should have reason to be cautious, and Mike told me I was falling into a drama pit.
They were all right this time around, and my biggest thanks to Mike for getting me to realize that. He told me that the bottom line to him was I needed to reel things back in to friend status and start to detach my strings. The next day I took 20mg of prozac (versus 10mg) to cope with the pressure I had been feeling. To describe the building relationship with Angel I had in one word, i'd call it "suffocating". I wish there was a nicer word for it. But that next day she was all uber mushy with her ex and treating each other as "together" again (among other things). So glad I listened and cut some strings.
Although it's disappointing that things turned out the way they did, I don't mind so much now. Half a week ago I was met with a very pleasant and beautiful surprise-- Sayaka, the first girl I ever legitimately loved.. And admittedly still do .. I started to think more about everything, and while marriage is for me, I don't think I'm prepared enough to think about that so soon. But if I were in my mid twenties... Yeah, I'd probably be thinking about it a bit more.
I was really surprised to see Sayaka that morning actually. As far as I knew she came back to Washington after graduating High School, then went back to Japan. I figured that was the last I'd see of her and for years have been off and on sad about it. Not neccisarily melancholic, just a little disappointed. I broke up with her during our senior year due to the difficulty of a long distance relationship and my own insecurities and immaturity. I've had a lot of time to think about how things went wrong and how they could have gone right, and I feel like I've learned quite a bit.. Well, about everything really.
There's absolutely nothing else like your first true love. I wish I knew how to explain it, but I think everyone's felt it. Pleasantly and surprisingly, she wasn't mad nor did she hate me. I thought she wouldn't want to talk to me, and apparently she thought the same about me... But I know now that she has wanted to talk, because she's the one who spotted and said hi to me, and not the other way around.
Another surprise is she's been in Washington for 2 years now and this has been the first time I've seen her. Guess that's what I get for taking my college classes at the tiny branch in my city instead of the main campus. Now I'm taking classes on main campus and she saw me between her first class and mine. I thought I saw her a day or so prior to that, but I thought to myself "Nah, couldn't be. I shouldn't get my hopes up like that". This is one of the many times I'm glad I was wrong, haha.
I've hung out with Sayaka a few times since seeing her last thursday, and we're already bonding in conversation like we used to. Like Joe suggested in my previous entry, I'm going to be taking the smaller steps I know I can take before making the big ones. I've got a comforting sense of confidence with this situation, but I'm definitely going to take good care of it and her. Whatever happens here will happen, and i'm holding reasonable hope.
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