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Satellites And Astronauts

Luck and misfortune seem to go hand in hand. At least, that's what I'm observing.

A few days ago I was thrilled to get a call back from one of my job applications. So far things seem to be going great, and it looks like I'll have a job at the local movie theater. Although it's minimum wage, it's better than no income, and on top of that it's a new theater and one of my friends will be one of my coworkers.

I'm a little worried though, because ever since the day I got a call back, I haven't recieved a single IM from this friend of mine. So weird too, because not too long ago we were playing City of Heroes in a leveling pact (must start before lvl. 5, any exp gained by one is divided with the other regardless of online status). I set up a personal ventrilo server for it and we had quite a bit of fun and did a lot of talking. Then nearly nothing for a few days.

Probably sounds a little odd, but I hardly see my friends unless it's a LAN party. We have maybe 1 every other month, and aside from that keep contact online. Maybe I'm fretting over nothing, but it's weird when a friend doesn't say anything to me for a few days. Tell me, does it seem any weirder when they become "away" for two days straight with an awkward and ambiguous away message? I'm fairly sure he hasn't been swamped with stuff this whole time, but I could be wrong. But even when I've sent a message to say hi, I didn't get a response.

I remember on the job application form it asked me to list any friends/relatives working at the theater, so of course I wrote his name. It was a neutral question on the application, so I doubt it would cause any harm, but now I'm starting to wonder. It bothers me because I don't have many close friends since High School, so if something happened to him because of it, I would feel a little sick. Hell, I do already and I don't even know what's up.

To my relief, as I neared the end of this blog, I got a message and everything seemed fine. Had some fun abusing the new mission architect feature in City of Heroes. Later in this blog, I mention a dialog between Faye and Gren in Cowboy Bebop.. I feel as if maybe I unintentionally do what Gren kindly accuses Faye of doing :-\.. On the bright side, at least I'm aware of it now and can work on eliminating that.


Recently I finished watching Cowboy Bebop. Probably was a little obvious thanks to my last blog's visual/audio being from it, but it left a few different marks on me, as anime usually does.

Anime is basically Japanese cartoons, but every time I hear someone call it a cartoon, I feel as if it's a degrading name for what it really is. Litterally, yes they are cartoons.. But most of it differs radically from that of the West. Shows like Family Guy, The Simpsons, Dexter's Labratory, and Tom & Jerry really have no long term plot. It's basically like each episode is it's own plot, and for the comedy types, they often go for the quick laugh and that's that.

Anime, on the other hand, seems to have more long term plots and meaning intertwined with the story. For a quote affectionado such as myself, it draws me in with no hesitation. The interesting thing about Cowboy Bebop is it successfully captures both sides of the coin. Each episode is basically it's own plot, but the long term is a struggle to make ends meet.. And each character met along the way has something they're looking for-- something they're tyring to fix. Two of the characters I found to be the most interesting were Spike Speigal and Faye Valentine.. For somewhat different reasons.

Faye Valentine, in a nutshell, is a "free spirit". She comes and goes as she pleases, and doesn't really open up to people much. Considering she's in a ton of debt and doesn't really know much of her past, I guess you can't blame her. But somewhere in the story there's a conversation that goes on that I found interesting:

Faye: They often say that humans can't live alone... But you can live pretty long by yourself. Instead of feeling alone in a group, it's better to be alone in your solitude. When I'm dealing with them, it's nothing but trouble and I don't get squat out of it... So it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.

Gren: You just got scared of losing them... So you distanced yourself from them.
It got me thinking about how I used to be with friends. After problems with close HS frienships, I started thinking I was just a "second class friend". Easily replaced and the sort, and I'm starting to get that feeling with this friend of mine I mentioned earlier.. But truthfully, some of those thoughts are still present today.. Gradually I'm dismissing the thoughts, because I know I'm a better friend than I've been treated.. Yet I'm still learning to feel "worthy" of friends again. It's certainly weird to think I'd be inconvenincing a friend by asking to hang out with them, but it's the mindset i've been pushed into and the mindset I consciously know I need to break free from. I guess like Faye, I try to make myself comfortable and justified in my solitude, but unlike Faye, I don't consider myself as conceited.

Spike, on the other hand, has a past behind him that he seemingly can't escape. Rumored to have died once before, he's often very mysterious yet very down to earth. One of his eyes is a different color than the other, and early on he says one eye sees the present, and the other sees the past... Yet he claims to be the type of guy to leave the past where it belongs... In the past. For a while I felt similar to Spike. No, both my eyes are the same color, but the stuff with my friends and my ex have haunted me a little.. As if one of my eyes metaphorically was seeing the past as well. Unlike him, I'm not as able to leave the past behind. His ability to do so is admirable, but towards the end of the series, a little shocking (people who have seen it will understand).

But to bring this whole blog down to a point and a purpose, despite how I'm learning to become content again, I seem to still feel a little lost. Maybe it's because I only repaired half of the marks made on me. While I'd love to have a girlfriend again, someone to hold close.. I realize that may not be so ideal for me right now. I'm a little burnt out on matters of the heart. Besides, if I really want to make living in Japan a reality, I've got other things to focus on. Like saving and investing money, continue learning a new language, and studying for tech related certifications until I figure out how I want to handle my education.

Just wish I had someone close to talk with on occasion, you know?

...To take a trip back to a former blog's quote (Iris).. A throne will never be worth isolation. Ever.

Extra Audio Aid: Blaqk Audio - The Fear Of Being Found

"Buy me a trip to the moon so I can laugh at my mistakes.
From this perspective it looks kind of silly... Tell me there are greater things ahead."

"Have you heard this story..?
A man injures his leg during the hunt.
He's in the middle of the savannah, with no
means to treat the wound. The leg rots and
death approaches. The last minute he's picked
up by an airplane. He looks down and sees
a land of pure white below him, glistening
in the light. It's the summit of a snow-capped
mountain, the mountain is Kilimanjaro. As he
gazes down he feels the life flowing out of him
and he thinks, "That's where I was headed"..."

"I hate stories like that. Men only think about
the past right before their death. As if they were
searching frantically for proof that they were alive."

"Do you know a story that goes like this..?
There once was a tiger-striped cat. This cat
died a million deaths and was reborn a
million times and was owned by various
people who he didn't care for. The cat wasn't
afraid to die... One day, the cat was a free
cat, a stray cat. He met a white female cat,
and the two cats spent their days happily
together. Years passed, and the white cat
died of old age. The tiger-striped cat cried a
million times, and then died.

It never came back to life."
"That's a good story."
"I hate that story. I hate cats."
"*laughs* That's what I thought."


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