This is what i'm listening to while writing this entry. You don't have to listen to it while reading, but it might at least say something about my mood and how I approached this.
...Yeah, another private entry... I'll have some public stuff later, but for a few reasons I don't want to have to hold back in how I word things in this train of thought.
So I'm not sure how to explain all this.. it's was really confusing, and everything's moved way too fast... In some ways I won't admit, but could probably be guessed.
I've hung out with Angel a few times in the past week. I met her about a week ago today, hung out with her and her best friend (and best friend's boyfriend) and played board games on Saturday, studied together on Monday then grabbed dinner. Yesterday I was met with a text message saying she couldn't "see" me anymore and tried to break ties. It was very odd and completely out of the blue. I don't care who it is, if someone goes from showing high attraction to saying something as bold as that, there's something wrong.
I didn't lash out or anything. Best advice I've ever read is to never burn bridges, so I handled it best I could. Turns out she lives with her ex and her ex's parents, but she told me she had a boyfriend to try and get me to drop ties. The problem was everything moving as fast as it was, and she didn't think I'd understand that we needed to slow down. It wasn't just a problem on my end-- Angel said her friend Katie thought she was leading me on real bad.
She said she didn't try to hide the fact that she was living with her ex and her ex's parents, but she also wasn't going to paint it in black and white and stick it in front of my face. There were numerous times where they (her and Katie) had talked about it in front of me, but I shrugged it off thinking they were talking about past.
Her ex is a real ******* to her. Constantly cheating on her and trying to buy her back every time. A trip to Hawaii, a new laptop, etc.. Yet if he's left alone for something as simple as warped tour, he finds some girl and has sex with her. The last time he did that was with his best friend's girlfriend. Great friend and great boyfriend, eh?... Well, at least he considers himself her boyfriend, but she's made it clear to him that she doesn't want anything to do with him relationship wise... But the only reason she's still there is because her ex's parents love her and she's has stability. If she were to move into her own parents house it would be so much more difficult. They hardly have room for her unfortunately.
This awkward living situation is only one of the reasons why she was hoping to take things slow.. Another is that she's had a very abusive relationship in the past, and ever since then she's taken much more time to get to know someone before calling anything a relationship. For instance, this recent ex of hers she knew for 6 months before she knew she was ready for one with him. She'd like me to stick around and hang out with her and build a friendship as a foundation for a relationship, so that's what I think I'll end up doing. I'm not much for non-exclusive dating, but I guess it's something I'll have to get used to. However I look at it, she still has spent a lot of time hanging out with me. Casual dating doesn't seem so bad with that in mind.
One of my biggest challenges right now is not being so sensitive. It's not much of something I can help, because it's directly linked to how I was raised. My dad was raised by parents who would often push guilt on them, and guilt is clearly one of the more unpleasant emotions. The same sort of thing has been half pushed on me. I'm trying to break free from that and not let it bother me, but at the same time I don't want to hurt my parents.. Not giving in to the guilt fed to me by them often results that way unfortunately. I think at the heart of it all I can do is change myself, and if they need to, they'll change as well.
I still don't know for sure where everything is headed, but I'm hoping for the best. Anxiety is starting to grapple with me, and somehow or another I need to fight it down.
Just trying to find my place under the sun is all.
"Just take it in stride. One breath and I think I feel free. All we can do is strive for the best thoughts, the best feelings, the "warm fuzzy" feeling. As a child, I believed these all came to me due to the process of living... Grab the wheel right now, and make this life yours."