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The Doors Touch Me

These past few days my temper randomly kicks in but I don't care anymore. I yell and flip out and curse and throw stuff. Sets of keys at people that say the wrong thing, my cell phone, chairs, often in the direction of the problem. Needless to say, it doesn't go well when in class, especially going off how easily angered I am as of late.

It's like a light switch, the slightest thing has been setting it on.
Off, on, off, on, off, on, off.

ON.

Anyway.

I went running today. It's the first time I ran since football ended. I can't remember why I stopped, but I only started because my car broke down and I had to run home. It was a nice way to clean my mind out some, to not think. It was just me and the pavement. I'm a person of habit and I don't do well in change - that's why I think I like the sound of my feet on the ground of my loud breathing in sync with my pulse - it's repeating and predictable. It's demanding but relaxing. That's why I went driving in the first place, to clear my head. It didn't go as planned, though. As soon as I got home I tried to sleep.

Dear God, the dreams are horrible. It's not even worth sleeping. I fall asleep and nightmares, wake up, go to sleep, nightmares, wake up, wash, rinse, repeat. I can't fight them, either. It's some indie film that was poorly done, jumping around from once place to another place - every place more vivid and worse than the last. She was running up to hug me and she shatters before she gets to me. Her house is on fire but she's locked in and I can't get her out. She's telling me to chase her and she's out of my sight before I can even move. Something exploded across the house. She crashed her car and I had a chance to stop it but I didn't. I'm standing over her. I stabbed her, literally, in the back, after I help her up. I carry her out the building in careful steps, and she tells me she's always there for me. Then another explosion, and I wake up.

I want to get you out of my head, for once. You're in my head all the time, you're there everywhere. Everyday. Every place. I turn around, I see you. Everyone is telling me "get her out of your head." I can't imagine you being out of my head for an entire day. It's like when we make eachother lose at the game that we were fascinated for all of middle school. "Don't tell me you didn't think of it first."

For once, I'd like to win at the thinking game.

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