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The Great Below

If you listen to my audio aids, I strongly recommend listening to it before reading. The music does not make a fitting conclusion to this entry, but it's a fitting start and a beautiful user created video.



There are very few times in my life that I've ever felt so deeply hurt to the core. I have rough times semi periodically, but they're not always on the same level.

I remember when I was in High School, I stupidly decided to date this girl I liked right before she had to leave for Japan. We only had two dates here in the US before she had to go back. I thought that would have been the end of it, but when she flew down to California to get in touch with an old house family before going home, she called me on five different occasions, talking for 1-3 hours each. I guess that meant she really liked me.

When she got to Japan she sent me a message on Myspace, (you know, the High Schooler's network of choice) and quickly got ourselves set up with Google Talk. We continued talking back and forth nightly before school started up again, and then I would wake up at 6am just to talk to her when she'd be around.

Like many High Schooler's, I was quite the gear shifter when it came to relationships. I felt so set on this girl, but at the same time so confused. I started learning that she was sort of having a rough time with herself as time went on.

Her and her traditional Japanese mother would often get into fights, usually resulting in the mother punching her in the face, and then afterward she would smoke pot from being so upset by it. Come to find out, she also used to take ecstasy here in the US, but I managed to eventually convince her to quit.

But at the same time I felt like she was worth my time, and in my simple mind I started painting out an elaborate future between me and her. High School started up and that changed.

At the time I was so wrapped up in my religion that I would often bring myself to hypocrisy. Nothing against my religion, I just wasn't forming my own opinions-- going along with the crowd.

Occasionally I would get scared with the long distance stuff. Cindy and her boyfriend, her half american best friend in Japan, would demand that she watch them have sex. Aside from that I also was told of how she was invited to a party once where Cindy brought a guy who wanted to take her home to a love hotel.

It was difficult to think about sometimes, because I cared about her and didn't want to feel so nervous. I wished that she could be free from the vices she had and the ones she was developing. However I did more harm than good.

It wasn't so much that I was controlling as it was I made a fatal mistake. Senior year at my High School of 14 students, there was a new girl attending who caught the eye of all of us. Unfortunately I didn't have enough relationship experience and I was swayed way too easily.

I thought "Man, this is great, but this is so hard. This girl shares common beliefs and I have no idea if Sayaka really does believe the same way as me". For the better of the world and humanity, I decided I would be better off pursuing this new girl instead, and was gravely mistaken in my choice.

I made Sayaka miserable, and she hated me. I had to listen to her crying and I had no idea how badly I would have missed her later. Everything went great with planting seeds of a potential relationship up until December, also known as the month I've learned to hate. She decides she doesn't want anything to do with me and took drastic measures along with it.

Next semester I'm all alone. No more communication with Sayaka, and her friends think it had something to do with Brittany. They were right, but I never admitted it. I felt too much shame from it. My best friends of three years leave me in the dust, and one of them starts dating Brittany. Wonderful. I was at least greatful I didn't get tied up with her, because now I know Brittany was not my type.

Years pass. One of them I spent in complete isolation. I couldn't laugh for a year straight. I felt like there was seriously something wrong with me. The thought was reinforced when realized I had literally forgotten my real name, because my parents call me "bud" and my excuse for a social circle was a ventrilo server who knew me as "tim".

Sayaka graduated from the Japanese education system, and like she had planned, she came back here for college. I was supposed to meet her at the airport like I had promised her a year prior to that, but thanks to me mistaking the date of her arrival as a later date, I missed it.

Felt like absolute ****, and flew into another downward spiral. My friends from High School, whom Sayaka believed I chose over her, (excuse the expression) were just being a cocktease. They would act like they were interested in hanging out again, but after they got their kicks for a night, it was dead silent again. Even if I was the one making the plans.

Two relationships mended my broken pieces, and after the second of the two, OCN and Prozac did (thank you guys, again). I finally get a job, get back in school, and then I meet her again randomly in the middle of fall quarter.

So many times I felt horrible for what I did. It was like a heavenly angel's glow for her to be standing in front of me smiling. I never thought I'd see the day, but yet here she was.. Though already in a relationship.. But one that was quickly falling apart.

After spending an awesome birthday with her and showing her the best christmas she had ever had, I set my sights on January 1st, midnight, to ask her out, to signify the start of a new beginning. She was thrilled and said yes.

Three months pass, which was a new record for us in a relationship, and now I'm left feeling with near nothing. I mentioned to her recently in a bit of a controlled fight that she's been acting weird toward her ex, whom she likely will never see again. She dated him for two years. Earlier on I could understand, but three months into a relationship?

Like a mutual friend of ours said, "if you're in a new relationship, focus on it". But instead she was quick to throw me away, despite how I would fill her vase with a new rose every month, how I always was looking out for her, how I was constantly trying my best to do sweet things to make her feel great.

I still don't understand what the real circumstances of the breakup are. Spring quarter ended, and I submitted the final paper that was worth 30% of her eng102 class. I couldn't help but think, maybe that was it. I was worried that maybe she thought I was no good for much more than two months, and after that she would just try to get back with her korean ex-boyfriend. I couldn't help but think, maybe that was it.

Last night I spilt my guts. She told me it really hurt her that I picked my friends over her before, and then I told her the truth about what happened in HS, explaing that I didn't want to say it so early in the relationship as to not get her paranoid. She told me because of HS days, she really can't get over the negative of how she felt of me, and really wanted to hurt me.

"Remember how you said last night you really wanted to hurt me?... Well, you did it."

After failing to sleep more than three hours through the night, perpetually trembling, and periodically welling up tears, I hear from her that she's already started to regret breaking up. What she tells me, and what I hope is the real circumstances of this split, is that she wants to establish our relationship on a friendship level first. Someday, she says, she really wants a chance with me again.

"Can I ask you a weird question?"
"What is it?"
"Do you still love me?"
"...babe, that isn't just weird, that's stupid. Of course I do."


I want to believe her, and I do think she was being honest. But I can't help but think that it's not the way it'll work out. Best I can do is keep my head up, but it's hard. Relationship after relationship, there has never been anyone who has matched up with her. One close, yes, but no one has ever been better.

Tomorrow I will be hanging out with her before 10am here at my place. Wish me luck, and give me strength.

-andrew


Sayaka, I humbly beg of you, please give us another chance. Our journey has only just begun, and I hope you will join me again soon. I love you, and as far away as I may find myself from you, I still will. You've left a mark on me that I can't erase.

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