It's been a while since the last time I found something interesting that I would like to write about in here. I usually try not to get too personal with my blog entries, but I feel that this time it would be different.
As you all know, I am a man of few words
I like to keep myself busy, in thought and in action. However, lately, I have been feeling removed from myself and those around me. Things that I once found to be interesting, simply are not anymore.
I think that deep down, the underlining issue with all of this is my complusive attitude/ bad habit of ignoring things/dealing with things head on. The source of this is most likely caused by the fact that I am afraid of confrontations (conflicts, etc.). This has always been an issue for me, and even today, it still stands.
I believe this (being afraid of confrontations) is caused by my inability to judge my feelings accordingly. This inability also relates to being unable to properly judge others in their actions/intentions. I guess that the best way I could explain this is through an analogy. I will use the analogy that you should not judge a book by it's cover. Of course, I can make the link between a title and the contents of the book. If the book is titled, "Racism", then I can safely assume that it will talk about racism. Similarly with people, if they look like they do not have a lot of money (living on the streets as my example) then I can assume that they are poor. General stereotypes and associations are of no problem as they are usually enstilled at a very young age. However, things that are not so obvious: misery, guilt, depression, perfectionism, complusive liars, abusers, low self-esteem, etc. are another story. The point that I am trying to get across is that even if I was to read the book, I would still not be able to put the pieces together to draw up a judgement. I will be able to come to an opinion or idea of what it might mean, but the essence of uncertainty is what gets me. For some reason, the book and it's cover just draws up a blank.
How can I be sure that my analysis is correct?
What if I am wrong? This is the question that scares me the most. After-all, making a judgement of someone usually influences the way that you treat them. If I do not judge someone, then I treat everyone the same is the basic principle I have been working with for as long as I can remember.
Do not get me wrong, I sometimes get the habitual intuitive sense of what others are up to/looking for. Being raised with the mentality that you should always give people the benefit of the doubt, I struggle in making a connection between intuition and judgement. This struggle is mostly due to logic as I see it.
Unfortunately, I think that I have started to slowly realize that there is no such thing as certainty (based on experience). Even if I am an individual that lives by/for the sciences.
My way of dealing with things was to simply ignore them, thinking that they would just go away. Keeping myself busy was certainly one way of enabling this escape from all the pain/troubles and misery that I felt. Perhaps, this explains why all of a sudden a huge lack of interest presented itself. The means of escape are no longer doing the trick and you resort to something else, or you decide to add more, until you physically cannot do anything and you just crash.
I don't really know where any of this is really going... I guess that I just needed to write this out in order to get it off my chest.
I would really like to write out everything about how this affected my previous relationship with a very special person to me (Lisa); namely, my first real crush, my first real love, my first real relationship/friendship, and most importantly my first real heartbreak/loss. However, I am afriad that I could easily write a novel on the subject at hand.
You can only miss something if you have already lost it. I miss that feeling that I had with her. I took a lot of things for granted, and for that I am truly sorry. There are a lot of things that I wish I could have done differently now that I look back at it. Unfortunately, I cannot do anything about the past and I have to live for the present.
They say that time heals all wounds. But it only depends on what you do with that time
I still have a lot to learn about myself, and about life in general. Perhaps, my methods are not as flawless as I had preceived them to be.
Change is in order!
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