Thoughts about the self...
Posted 08-02-09 at 09:45 AM by mega_option101
It's been a while since the last time I found something interesting that I would like to write about in here. I usually try not to get too personal with my blog entries, but I feel that this time it would be different.
As you all know, I am a man of few words
I like to keep myself busy, in thought and in action. However, lately, I have been feeling removed from myself and those around me. Things that I once found to be interesting, simply are not anymore.
I think that deep down, the underlining issue with all of this is my complusive attitude/ bad habit of ignoring things/dealing with things head on. The source of this is most likely caused by the fact that I am afraid of confrontations (conflicts, etc.). This has always been an issue for me, and even today, it still stands.
I believe this (being afraid of confrontations) is caused by my inability to judge my feelings accordingly. This inability also relates to being unable to properly judge others in their actions/intentions. I guess that the best way I could explain this is through an analogy. I will use the analogy that you should not judge a book by it's cover. Of course, I can make the link between a title and the contents of the book. If the book is titled, "Racism", then I can safely assume that it will talk about racism. Similarly with people, if they look like they do not have a lot of money (living on the streets as my example) then I can assume that they are poor. General stereotypes and associations are of no problem as they are usually enstilled at a very young age. However, things that are not so obvious: misery, guilt, depression, perfectionism, complusive liars, abusers, low self-esteem, etc. are another story. The point that I am trying to get across is that even if I was to read the book, I would still not be able to put the pieces together to draw up a judgement. I will be able to come to an opinion or idea of what it might mean, but the essence of uncertainty is what gets me. For some reason, the book and it's cover just draws up a blank.
How can I be sure that my analysis is correct?
What if I am wrong? This is the question that scares me the most. After-all, making a judgement of someone usually influences the way that you treat them. If I do not judge someone, then I treat everyone the same is the basic principle I have been working with for as long as I can remember.
Do not get me wrong, I sometimes get the habitual intuitive sense of what others are up to/looking for. Being raised with the mentality that you should always give people the benefit of the doubt, I struggle in making a connection between intuition and judgement. This struggle is mostly due to logic as I see it.
Unfortunately, I think that I have started to slowly realize that there is no such thing as certainty (based on experience). Even if I am an individual that lives by/for the sciences.
My way of dealing with things was to simply ignore them, thinking that they would just go away. Keeping myself busy was certainly one way of enabling this escape from all the pain/troubles and misery that I felt. Perhaps, this explains why all of a sudden a huge lack of interest presented itself. The means of escape are no longer doing the trick and you resort to something else, or you decide to add more, until you physically cannot do anything and you just crash.
I don't really know where any of this is really going... I guess that I just needed to write this out in order to get it off my chest.
I would really like to write out everything about how this affected my previous relationship with a very special person to me (Lisa); namely, my first real crush, my first real love, my first real relationship/friendship, and most importantly my first real heartbreak/loss. However, I am afriad that I could easily write a novel on the subject at hand.
You can only miss something if you have already lost it. I miss that feeling that I had with her. I took a lot of things for granted, and for that I am truly sorry. There are a lot of things that I wish I could have done differently now that I look back at it. Unfortunately, I cannot do anything about the past and I have to live for the present.
They say that time heals all wounds. But it only depends on what you do with that time
I still have a lot to learn about myself, and about life in general. Perhaps, my methods are not as flawless as I had preceived them to be.
Change is in order!
As you all know, I am a man of few words
I like to keep myself busy, in thought and in action. However, lately, I have been feeling removed from myself and those around me. Things that I once found to be interesting, simply are not anymore.
I think that deep down, the underlining issue with all of this is my complusive attitude/ bad habit of ignoring things/dealing with things head on. The source of this is most likely caused by the fact that I am afraid of confrontations (conflicts, etc.). This has always been an issue for me, and even today, it still stands.
I believe this (being afraid of confrontations) is caused by my inability to judge my feelings accordingly. This inability also relates to being unable to properly judge others in their actions/intentions. I guess that the best way I could explain this is through an analogy. I will use the analogy that you should not judge a book by it's cover. Of course, I can make the link between a title and the contents of the book. If the book is titled, "Racism", then I can safely assume that it will talk about racism. Similarly with people, if they look like they do not have a lot of money (living on the streets as my example) then I can assume that they are poor. General stereotypes and associations are of no problem as they are usually enstilled at a very young age. However, things that are not so obvious: misery, guilt, depression, perfectionism, complusive liars, abusers, low self-esteem, etc. are another story. The point that I am trying to get across is that even if I was to read the book, I would still not be able to put the pieces together to draw up a judgement. I will be able to come to an opinion or idea of what it might mean, but the essence of uncertainty is what gets me. For some reason, the book and it's cover just draws up a blank.
How can I be sure that my analysis is correct?
What if I am wrong? This is the question that scares me the most. After-all, making a judgement of someone usually influences the way that you treat them. If I do not judge someone, then I treat everyone the same is the basic principle I have been working with for as long as I can remember.
Do not get me wrong, I sometimes get the habitual intuitive sense of what others are up to/looking for. Being raised with the mentality that you should always give people the benefit of the doubt, I struggle in making a connection between intuition and judgement. This struggle is mostly due to logic as I see it.
Unfortunately, I think that I have started to slowly realize that there is no such thing as certainty (based on experience). Even if I am an individual that lives by/for the sciences.
My way of dealing with things was to simply ignore them, thinking that they would just go away. Keeping myself busy was certainly one way of enabling this escape from all the pain/troubles and misery that I felt. Perhaps, this explains why all of a sudden a huge lack of interest presented itself. The means of escape are no longer doing the trick and you resort to something else, or you decide to add more, until you physically cannot do anything and you just crash.
I don't really know where any of this is really going... I guess that I just needed to write this out in order to get it off my chest.
I would really like to write out everything about how this affected my previous relationship with a very special person to me (Lisa); namely, my first real crush, my first real love, my first real relationship/friendship, and most importantly my first real heartbreak/loss. However, I am afriad that I could easily write a novel on the subject at hand.
You can only miss something if you have already lost it. I miss that feeling that I had with her. I took a lot of things for granted, and for that I am truly sorry. There are a lot of things that I wish I could have done differently now that I look back at it. Unfortunately, I cannot do anything about the past and I have to live for the present.
They say that time heals all wounds. But it only depends on what you do with that time
I still have a lot to learn about myself, and about life in general. Perhaps, my methods are not as flawless as I had preceived them to be.
Change is in order!
Total Comments 10
Comments
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I could say the same thing in regards to myself as well, haha.Quote:I still have a lot to learn about myself, and about life in general. Perhaps, my methods are not as flawless as I had preceived them to be.
I really hear you in regards to the question of "What if I am wrong?". I don't like to use the term to describe myself, but at times i'm calculative, and half the time it's to the degree of fault.
It's interesting you mention busying yourself to escape from troubles, etc... because I just recently realized I had (in a sense) done the same thing to myself with music.
For about two years straight, I could not stand using my PC or sleeping without music. I haven't been doing that as much lately though. I've noticed a few artists and/or albums tend to inflict emotions that trigger anxiety.. And while I didn't really intend to break that habit, I was without my music library for a few weeks, and had to pick between 7 albums... Most of which have had negative effects on me when played on loop, so I've just turned off the music and rarely touch it now. (edit -->) I used to listen to music non stop as a way to drown out thoughts of other things, but like you say, it really only pushes the problem to the side.
Anyway, a very interesting read. As always, take care.Posted 08-02-09 at 11:48 AM by timxirish
Updated 08-02-09 at 11:01 PM by timxirish -
We all need something to keep ourselves busy in order to escape the misery/reality of this life.
As pessimistic as that statement might be, everyday it grows on me. Slowly becoming more and more true as the time passes by. One thing you can be certain of is sufferance
Do not let this bring you down. Embrace it and live in harmony, whatever that might be
Maybe this is called harmony?Posted 08-03-09 at 02:23 PM by mega_option101
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i'm pretty much the exact opposite when it comes to "judging" people and things. usually i am right on the ball though. i analyze people like crazy...i do it subconsciously too. it actually even scares me sometimes. this is probably why i'm not friends with a lot of people, mostly because i see a lot of bad in those around me.Posted 08-04-09 at 09:33 AM by catmmm
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I always thought that despite what other might say, people deserve a chance to prove themselves. Even if I know a said person is like this... I want to give them the chance to prove me wrong.Posted 08-04-09 at 07:50 PM by mega_option101
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I guess that's true, but I still can't help but wonder if there's something more to life that I haven't realized yet. I feel as if there's gotta be something more, but at the same time, it would be a flawed move to dwell on that.Quote:Originally Posted by mega_option101
We all need something to keep ourselves busy in order to escape the misery/reality of this life.
As pessimistic as that statement might be, everyday it grows on me. Slowly becoming more and more true as the time passes by. One thing you can be certain of is sufferance
Do not let this bring you down. Embrace it and live in harmony, whatever that might be
Maybe this is called harmony?
And nah, no worries. I wouldn't let it, because I know it to be either true. After all, pain is easier to create than pleasure.
(would have posted this sooner, I've just been thinking about what you said for a while. haha)Posted 08-07-09 at 07:19 AM by timxirish
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Whether there is something more or not... The fact that you have not experienced it yet is what is at stake here. There are a lot of things that I am aware of that I have not experienced yet... However, dwelling on those things would only bring more pain to my already existing and yet ever-lasting sufferance.Quote:Originally Posted by timxirish
I guess that's true, but I still can't help but wonder if there's something more to life that I haven't realized yet. I feel as if there's gotta be something more, but at the same time, it would be a flawed move to dwell on that.
And nah, no worries. I wouldn't let it, because I know it to be either true. After all, pain is easier to create than pleasure.
(would have posted this sooner, I've just been thinking about what you said for a while. haha)
I see, a lot of optimism in your comment above... The whole notion of there being "something more" is what does it for me. I think that the one thing you will feel overtime and throughout life is a sense and feeling of disappointment. As pessimistic and negative as that may sound, the difference between our two ways of thinking brings us different emotions. I have already excepted the fact that this is what it is and if there is something else out there, then it does not exist if I have not perceived it.
Setting up expectations about the possibilities of there being something more out there, will only lead to disappointment.
How will you know when you have found it?
What if you have already found it?
This reminds me of the greedy man... The greedy man always wants more. Even if he wanted a certain thing at some point... When he reaches it, he wants something more. This cycle continues. What makes you think that when you'll find that "something", you won't want something else?
Posted 08-07-09 at 11:10 AM by mega_option101
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I see your point, and I understand it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm looking for two things. One of which is a place where I feel comfortable... Though, that's pretty ambiguous. Comfortable to me is a place where I feel useful, not where I become useless. The less use one has, the less value to others they are.. At least, that's usually how things go.Quote:Originally Posted by mega_option101
Whether there is something more or not... The fact that you have not experienced it yet is what is at stake here. There are a lot of things that I am aware of that I have not experienced yet... However, dwelling on those things would only bring more pain to my already existing and yet ever-lasting sufferance.
I see, a lot of optimism in your comment above... The whole notion of there being "something more" is what does it for me. I think that the one thing you will feel overtime and throughout life is a sense and feeling of disappointment. As pessimistic and negative as that may sound, the difference between our two ways of thinking brings us different emotions. I have already excepted the fact that this is what it is and if there is something else out there, then it does not exist if I have not perceived it.
Setting up expectations about the possibilities of there being something more out there, will only lead to disappointment.
How will you know when you have found it?
What if you have already found it?
This reminds me of the greedy man... The greedy man always wants more. Even if he wanted a certain thing at some point... When he reaches it, he wants something more. This cycle continues. What makes you think that when you'll find that "something", you won't want something else?
This other "something more" I'm looking for isn't really something I'm wanting to add to any sort of collection or anything (believe me, I find that mentality irritating), really just looking for something fascinating about "life's secrets".. Although that does not have to be in a litteral sense. It's entirely possible there's no secret at all. Everything could be just right there, sitting in front of all of us.
How will I know when I find these? Well, the second one I don't really expect to find (lol, how can I? There's a chance I may, but no use to count on it). That would just be something neat to feed my wonder on human behavior. The other I believe I will find when my interests and my career collide. Really, just any job relating to either games, hacks, DIY electronics or computers in general. That one is likely to happen, so long as I push myself well in that direction.Posted 08-07-09 at 07:25 PM by timxirish
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That first part sounded a lot like myself a few months ago... I was and still am to this day an individual who likes to give to others. I like to help others as much as I can without ever expecting the favor returned to me.Quote:Originally Posted by timxirish
I see your point, and I understand it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm looking for two things. One of which is a place where I feel comfortable... Though, that's pretty ambiguous. Comfortable to me is a place where I feel useful, not where I become useless. The less use one has, the less value to others they are.. At least, that's usually how things go.
This other "something more" I'm looking for isn't really something I'm wanting to add to any sort of collection or anything (believe me, I find that mentality irritating), really just looking for something fascinating about "life's secrets".. Although that does not have to be in a litteral sense. It's entirely possible there's no secret at all. Everything could be just right there, sitting in front of all of us.
How will I know when I find these? Well, the second one I don't really expect to find (lol, how can I? There's a chance I may, but no use to count on it). That would just be something neat to feed my wonder on human behavior. The other I believe I will find when my interests and my career collide. Really, just any job relating to either games, hacks, DIY electronics or computers in general. That one is likely to happen, so long as I push myself well in that direction.
Unfortunately, being unable to judge other people's intentions through their actions, I was caught up in an abusive cycle. This was mainly the issue behind my last relationship with that special someone (mentioned in the OP). She was someone who liked to take and I was someone who liked to give... By the end I was just so drained that I could not do it anymore. Obviously, the same was true for her... She could not get what she wanted from me so she went looking for it elsewhere.
Something that I have realized is that the only thing that should matter is me. I have since that day, put a limit to what I do for other people. I would love to help out as many people as I could but I just physically cannot. Not just from a physical point of view but, also from a mental one. I simply do not have the energy for it.
Quote:Self MattersPosted 08-08-09 at 11:13 AM by mega_option101
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Heh, well despite how we look at things slightly different, once again we have a similar conclusion. It's a difficult thing to be taught to give second chances and treat people the way you want to be treated, because sometimes it backfires if you try too much. I've never really understood that until earlier this month.Quote:Originally Posted by mega_option101
Something that I have realized is that the only thing that should matter is me. I have since that day, put a limit to what I do for other people. I would love to help out as many people as I could but I just physically cannot. Not just from a physical point of view but, also from a mental one. I simply do not have the energy for it.
There's a song I like by Dead Poetic called "Self-Destruct and Die" that contains quotes somewhat relavent to this topic:
It really is exausting to give without taking time to let yourself recieve as well. Seems to be a tad late for me to be making a realization like this (heh, well perhaps both of us), but better now than never.Quote:Originally Posted by http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/deadpoetic/selfdestructdie.htmlI'm only patient enough to please the masses for so long.
My brittle arms cannot hold up all the walls in this falling tomb.
I'm only caring enough (Drowning in expectation.)
To love oppressors for so long.
Until I begin to crack (I cannot disappoint them)
And the monster will soon come back.
Posted 08-08-09 at 03:19 PM by timxirish
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We certainly doQuote:Originally Posted by timxirish
Heh, well despite how we look at things slightly different, once again we have a similar conclusion. It's a difficult thing to be taught to give second chances and treat people the way you want to be treated, because sometimes it backfires if you try too much. I've never really understood that until earlier this month.
There's a song I like by Dead Poetic called "Self-Destruct and Die" that contains quotes somewhat relavent to this topic:
It really is exausting to give without taking time to let yourself recieve as well. Seems to be a tad late for me to be making a realization like this (heh, well perhaps both of us), but better now than never.
The way that I have always looked at it is that there is always more than one way to get to the same conclusion. Which way is the correct one is pointless, since we both come to the same conclusion. There are certain times when we differ in conclusion(s), but the one we choose is the one we live by and that is what makes us unique. I am certainly not 100% of anything, nor do I strictly believe in something. I like to keep an open mind about things, make people really understand what it is they are saying and see if there is a way in seeing flaw within their reasoning.
Make them question themselves is what I like to do. For that, I guess you could say that I am a skeptic. It is only in questioning that you can find the real answers.
Life is already too short not to give others second chances; given the right context of course. Forgive and forget. Who is to say that what held in the past will hold in the future
What matters is now. I know that I have said this countless times, but I think that it is worth me saying this again. What good will holding a grudge do?
I know people who are too stubborn and that have held grudges for years... When you ask them why, they usually have forgotten. Let go and move on. We are beings of survival and communication, what good is it to burn bridges?
It is through our hardship's that one grows.
Understanding that you were also at fault and why you were, usually always goes a long way. You can't just blame yourself for everything though. It takes two people to cause a fight, it takes two people to argue, and it also takes two people to end a relationship. Some where along the lines, two people stopped communicating/caring (with themselves or each other).Posted 08-08-09 at 03:54 PM by mega_option101
