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Folding@Home essay for college frosh eng. - Page 4

post #31 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackOmega View Post
Not necessarily more complex but just more informative, direct and straight to the point. But you'll notice as you get older all women are vague and never direct or stright to the point.



Sure, what kind you got?
im reporting you for a sexist comment.
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post #32 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by G|F.E.A.D|Killa View Post
wow good to see that you offer support. instead of saying this is a bad paper ( which it is not) you need to specify in what ways it could of been better. grow up and stop trolling. no one cares about your negative crap. :swearing:
uh TBH, I found this paper a bit under-par, especially for a college english class. in my HS-junior language & comp class this would've been a C+, at best.

the problem lies in the transitions, and in the focus. it gets hard to read because of the jumps from topic to topic.

P.S. - no one asked you why you thought it was good, so why should he have to provide reasons as to why he thought it wasn't? It's called opinions.
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post #33 of 46
Thread Starter 
well lucky for me i wrote each paragraph about what the teacher said each paragraph should be about. maybe it does need better transitions but it does not jump from topic to topic. College level english is much different than high school english if you get there then maybe you'll see.
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post #34 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by melissaxcupcake View Post
well lucky for me i wrote each paragraph about what the teacher said each paragraph should be about. maybe it does need better transitions but it does not jump from topic to topic. College level english is much different than high school english if you get there then maybe you'll see.


yeah i can tell an english class where the teacher specifically states what each paragraph should be is so unbelievably difficult/advanced beyond my (AP) HS junior english class.

maybe I, too, can one day be told exactly what to write, and how to write it.
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post #35 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by justarealguy View Post
But she's havegooda's lady...

Unless you know something about the two of them...

Hmmm...
Aahahahahhahahaahahahah....

Oh lawd.

Glad I could help Melissa

~Gooda~
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post #36 of 46
Now that we got that out of the way, use that essay to persuade the school to let you instal F@H on all of their Computers.
    
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post #37 of 46
Honestly, if I were to critique your essay. It would say it is very far from a B+, I think it's a C/C+, maybe the prof felt it was such an interesting topic s/he gave you a good mark.

To me, this essay didn't seem like an essay, it seemed like it was telling people "what is folding" and "how much folding costs". I would say that the only good supporting detail was only this:

Quote:
When proteins do not fold correctly, or misfold, there can be serious consequences, including many well known diseases, many Cancers and cancer-related syndromes, Alzheimer's, Huntington's, and Parkinson's disease.
Maybe the above should have been your thesis, and then argue from here why folding is necessary and it is right for people to contribute.

I remember profs and even high school teachers bash about "starting with a general statement", which you did. Lastly, the definition of cancer in greek seems like line fillers that was totally irrelevant to what you talk about.

Sorry to be harsh, I am no expert in English.
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post #38 of 46
I read it through and I thought it was good. But did you really need that 2nd paragraph about the origin of the word?

That was the only place I could find improvement in though. Seemed pretty good to me, and it's better than I could do, and I got 2 As in GCSE english, lol.

Although, somewhere you put "novel computation methods" or something. I like to think that GPU computing is actually pretty complex (compared to SMP anyway).

But good, it certainly shows some imagination to come up with that answer from the question asked. I would never have thought of writing about fah.
post #39 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by CyberBoy View Post
Now that we got that out of the way, use that essay to persuade the school to let you instal F@H on all of their Computers.
That works too..
    
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post #40 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by melissaxcupcake View Post
well lucky for me i wrote each paragraph about what the teacher said each paragraph should be about. maybe it does need better transitions but it does not jump from topic to topic. College level english is much different than high school english if you get there then maybe you'll see.
Marks are always subjective as they are dependent on the individual marking; therefore, marks will always vary based on the premise that we are all different.

I would like to point out that while reading throughout your paper I noticed a few things (nothing major when looking at your sentence structure). The reason why I say nothing major is because this is your writing style, not mine as there are more then one way to formulate a sentence that would say/mean the same thing.

I think that my major critic about it would be the lack of transition sentences used and that you were a little bit all over the place (I will explain later). I found that this is what my High School English writing skills lacked and I learned that in my College English classes. I am now in University and I can tell you that my writing is still always evolving and improving (by no means do I think it is perfect or ever will be).

What I mean by, "a little bit all over the place", is that (numbered by paragraph):
  1. Introduction is alright. I would have gone with a more general approach giving statistics to support your claims. For instance, today in the US, xx% of men and xx% of women die each year of cancer... I would also have mentioned that Folding@Home is not the only cancer related research out there but it is the one that you are going to focus on in this article/paper.

    A thesis would have also been nice here to say this is what I am going to talk about in my paper.
  2. The definition of what cancer means is irrelevant in this paper.
  3. Seeing as this isn't a research paper I am not going to really get into this broad generalization of proteins and folding. There is a lot more to it but you got the point across which was what is important here more then the specifics.
  4. Nothing wrong here as you are explaining what Folding@Home is.
  5. Don't really understand what this paragraph is all about... Seems like there is missing something between what Folding@Home is and how much it costs to fold. Perhaps, what kind of results they have achieved so far using Folding@Home.
  6. What are you concluding... Again refer to my comment about the thesis. Without the thesis you are concluding something that you weren't even trying to prove in the first place.
I am not trying to really get into the specifics here but I still think that you did a great job on your paper and I am glad that you have posted it here in the Folding@Home Section for all of us to read and enjoy.

I think that with the use of transition sentences, cohesiveness, and a thesis statement your paper would have easily gotten an A+

Thanks,

- mega_option101
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