Originally Posted by melissaxcupcake
well lucky for me i wrote each paragraph about what the teacher said each paragraph should be about. maybe it does need better transitions but it does not jump from topic to topic. College level english is much different than high school english if you get there then maybe you'll see.
Marks are always subjective as they are dependent on the individual marking; therefore, marks will always vary based on the premise that we are all different.
I would like to point out that while reading throughout your paper I noticed a few things (nothing major when looking at your sentence structure). The reason why I say nothing major is because this is your writing style, not mine as there are more then one way to formulate a sentence that would say/mean the same thing.
I think that my major critic about it would be the lack of transition sentences used and that you were a little bit all over the place (I will explain later). I found that this is what my High School English writing skills lacked and I learned that in my College English classes. I am now in University and I can tell you that my writing is still always evolving and improving (by no means do I think it is perfect or ever will be).
What I mean by, "a little bit all over the place", is that (numbered by paragraph):
- Introduction is alright. I would have gone with a more general approach giving statistics to support your claims. For instance, today in the US, xx% of men and xx% of women die each year of cancer... I would also have mentioned that Folding@Home is not the only cancer related research out there but it is the one that you are going to focus on in this article/paper.
A thesis would have also been nice here to say this is what I am going to talk about in my paper.
- The definition of what cancer means is irrelevant in this paper.
- Seeing as this isn't a research paper I am not going to really get into this broad generalization of proteins and folding. There is a lot more to it but you got the point across which was what is important here more then the specifics.
- Nothing wrong here as you are explaining what Folding@Home is.
- Don't really understand what this paragraph is all about... Seems like there is missing something between what Folding@Home is and how much it costs to fold. Perhaps, what kind of results they have achieved so far using Folding@Home.
- What are you concluding... Again refer to my comment about the thesis. Without the thesis you are concluding something that you weren't even trying to prove in the first place.
I am not trying to really get into the specifics here but I still think that you did a great job on your paper and I am glad that you have posted it here in the Folding@Home Section for all of us to read and enjoy.
I think that with the use of transition sentences, cohesiveness, and a thesis statement your paper would have easily gotten an A+