I don't lose my self in games anymore
Hey everyone, this is my very first post here, i'm completely new here, so yeah not sure of how I should write this post, but i'll just go through. Disclaimer : This is a deep and long post, if you're passionated by games, and recognize yourself through this post, you're the one I need answers from !
I / Gaming part
So yeah, basically like most of gamers, i've been into games since I was like 5 years old, and I really enjoyed them very very much. From my 5 years old to my 12 yo, I used to play games with story lines, on ps2, psp, gamecube, games like sonic, san andreas, splinter cell, etc etc... And from the bottom of my heart, I enjoyed them pretty much ! Like I was innocent, I didn't care about competition, or who will finish the game the fastest, no, I would just lose my self in to them, for hours and hours straight, door closed, in the night, nothing else but a lighty screen and me enjoying my life like I never did.
But then, I've reached my 12 yo, and now I want a computer, because I want to play games like counter strike source, and have more games to play, with better looking. My father buys me a computer, and boom, I fall in love with games even more than before, I play games mostly that involve skill, practice, patience, etc... Basically I started to love competition games (indie game or known games, fps or not fps, as long as i enjoy the mechanics, and there's online competition in which you can be rewarded for being the best I loved it.) From this day, I never ever enjoyed playing games with straight story lines like splinter cell, hitman, campaign in general. But it was not so bad since I was losing my self much more, but the difference was that I was playing online games. At this time of my life i was very insecure, I thought, I mean i knew I was ugly, but it was very okay, because I didn't care about social part of life, because.. I had GAMES, yeah GAMES were the very ONLY thing I cared about, going from school straight to my room and boom losing my self in games and animes. This was like this from my 12 yo to my 17 years old.
II / Social Life
This part is very important, i'm 17 years old a this time, and I meet friends, that give me confidence about my physical looking, they helped me very much to be honest, and slowly but surely I started to have confidence, and then started to talk to girls very easily, then I met one girl and dated her, now she's my girlfriend. I'm pointing this out because it's really important (Atleast that's what I believe)
So I'm having my girlfriend at end of my 17 years old (close to 18) and the days I was dating her (days i started to have confidence) I started to play games much less that I used to (I used to go back from school at 6 pm and play till like 2 am non stop) but when I met her, I wasn't even launching my computer, I'd just go through the internet, on youtube, watching videos and texting her. Basically my life wasn't only about games and school anymore, because I met her at the last year of school. I spent 7 months with her then school ended. We kept being together that's a very nice relationship I love it as much as i love games, but I hate myself for not playing games anymore, because I only see her the day, but you know, this part of the day when you're home and you have a lot of free time, you kinda wanna do something on this free time, and I want to play games as hell, but somehow, I can't lose my self into them, same thing for animes ! that's terrible, I used to watch 650 episodes of one piece in like 2 months and an half, now I barely watch 1 episode and boom suddenly I don't find interest into it (I still love animes, I really do, but there's something, I can't explain what it is, that makes me go away from losing my self into the serie, anime because i was very hyped for example in the shower, I even have goosebumps thinking of how good the anime will be but yeah can't explain why when I start it, boom something makes me go away) same goes for games, I don't wanna start an mmo (even tho I have the free time that allows me to spend a lot of time into it) but something makes me go away, and I want to lose my self into games back again.
Now it's been 2 years and half, that I just fill my free time with youtube videos, instagram, and texting with my girlfriend, I sold my computer since I couldn't play it anymore, but today I regret it so much, I want to buy one again, but i'm not even sure this would change anything.
III / Questioning
So today, i'm in quarantine, just like most of us, and I have more than enough free time, to think about this, and I send this message here, because I'm overthinking, and I don't find the reasons, solutions to this issue : Why can't I lose my self in games/animes/series anymore.
I'm going to talk now, about the potential reasons I have found, and hopefully some of you will confirm (if you're/was in the same case as mine) hopefully.
1 / : First reason, is, maybe the fact my girlfriend went into my life and have a very huge place here (even though we don't live together at all) we talk a lot, I always answer in 1 sec, i hate not answering her messages, that's like something we talked about, we should answer in the fastest delay possible. So maybe is she the reason i don't lose my self into games, because I just don't wanna waste such a beautiful relationship by being egoistic and just lose my self in games and forget about her while I'm into games ?
2 / : Second reason, looks like the first one, isn't it because I know that one day i'll have to leave games because i'll have a family, kids, a full-time job, I mean you know, a father's life that gives you not that much time to play games (i had these thoughts when I was still at school but i was like, i'm far from this blabla) but yeah, isn't because I see this coming more than before, because in term of age i'm closer to have kids and a very filled life with less playtime, than before when I was at school. Plus I have a long relationship with my gf so this pushes me to think this way even more.
3 / : Maybe it could be because i'm more confident, let me explain, maybe because when I hated my physical appearance, and I had no one to care about, no girlfriend, no friends, no one, i only had me my self and games, and now I have a girlfriend, that I text basically every 10 mins of the day (and that's totally okay i love that, but that's how the situation is) and because i'm more confident I care about her, and what everyone would think about me (physically, mentally etc) however before I didn't care about anything so it was giving muuuuuuch more time to focus on games instead of these thoughts.
4 / : Is it all the reasons said above ?
I need you, who read until here, to understand these thoughts, because I have a huge love for games, because they literally were my friends when I had only my self (and honestly I never had anything in my life that is as good as games exception for my gf, but that's a different concept. And today i feel extremely bad because I can't fill my freetime with animes and games like the good old days, and i'm trying everything to work on this question, sincerely every single day is full of questioning, am I in the right room to play games, are my parents thinking like when is he going to find a real job, do real studies, what will they think if I come back to games ? If I can't watch long session of animes and series is it because I don't have comfortable chair or place sit on, milions of questions, millions of reasons, but which one is the right one, what can I do, to fill my free time with animes, series and games like I used to ? I'm really overthinking, and there's no one to this day in my social circle, that could help me through this, that's why I post this in a gamer community forum, in the hope to find some that evolved more than me on this aspect, someone more mature, or maybe someone smarter, that could know why, why I can't just find a game that has no end, launch it, play it forget about life and all the things around, why can't i simply start this anime I wanna watch as hell and finish it straight away, why am I stopping every games, animes after a few minutes, to just do nothing... That might be the weirdest post ever, but that's a true issue, and hopefully i'll find answers. Thank's a lot for reading !
Last edited by AngelSoul10; 03-31-2020 at 04:27 PM.