My FarCry: The Movie Review

ok, im gonna try keep this as much of a review as possible and avoid the vicious rant. the point of me doing this is not to be funny and get laughs, but to save people, to save you.

DO NOT, pay to watch this. i illegally downloaded it. i had little faith in the movie being any good, and i decided to do the wrong thing and download a torrent of this movie. to be quite honest, i download movies now and then, and when i like it, i buy the movie, usually on Blu-Ray. and thats the truth.

but this is Uwe Boll. its a whole different ball game. its like a 4 year old showing his scribble on a piece of paper, which he says is a drawing of his house and his family. its not, not even close, but its cute, he tried, hes young, he'll learn, yay, he can have a lolly. Uwe Boll is the boy that just keeps failing. actually im pretty sure, if you look up fail in the dictionary, they saved text explaining the meaning in any detail and just wrote "Uwe Boll". in the more expensive dictionaries, where they can afford more text with a better description it says "Uwe Boll. Nuff said".

so anyway i downloaded FarCry illegally, didnt pay a thing for it, even did it on my off peak time to save quota since i never seem to get close to hitting 30Gb. my second major concern about the success of this movie, the first being DIRECTED BY UWE BOLL in the description, was that it didnt seem to have anything to do with the video game FarCry. sure, there were a couple of names thrown in there, mainly Jack Carver the protagonist, but seriously, that was it.

the story, as we gamers know, you are Jack Carver, a retired special forces agent working on a boat when you get too close to an island with a secret military base. your boat is attacked, you are marooned on the island and your mission is to get off. along the way you acquire a radio which allows a certain dark skinned scientist to assist you on your travels, and he is quickly trusted and befriended by our meat-head protagonist. after a while you hook back up with the reporter Valerie, and you discover that there are weird experiments going on on the island. these experiements have lead to the creation of a mutant species called the Trigen.

now i gotta stop there. coz seriously, the movie is already so far off track it doesnt even matter anymore what happened. firstly, the experiments conducted in the video game were on primates, not humans. well, humans as well, they did occur later. so the movie lost major points there and began its pointless sequence of events to follow. but there were no Trigens? none. nothing. ziltch. the only mutants we saw were heavily overdosed steroid patients who looked like had a one on one with a bag of flour and a foundation make-up kit, and lost. in the opening sequence we saw some dude torn apart, another impaled through a fence. which was kinda cool. but then later, thanks to Uwe's lack of imagination and skill, all we saw was thes super big dudes throw massive punches, chuck a few people around, and make some grunting noises. probably the steroids causing a bit of gas and diarrohea. even the dreaded Super Super-Mutant (i wont go into detail to save spoilers, just in case you plan on still watching this) was a huge epic lead up to failure. i mean come ON Uwe Boll. did you write this? who did you PAY to write this? i think my writing in this review has more colour and life in the text. dude. facepalm. what were you thinking? oh wait thats right haha. idiot. i forgot, carry on. anyway..

the acting...my god. ok Uwe Boll, by the way does anyone else cringe or get a "i wanna punch myself in the head" feeling when they say his name? anyway, Mr Boll, we get you are German, its quite obvious. but your ego has risen that high, for whatever reason, that you actually casted the main protagonist as German??? nothing against Germans, please do not get me wrong. but Jack Carver was an ex-US SPECIAL FORCES agent. i know a german could have been an American special forces agent, would he have lived in the States, but its besides the point, the real Jack Carver was a well built pure american muscle hot-head. the actor that played Carver, Til Schweiger, seems to barely be able to speak English. his lines came across dull, monotone, and completely scripted, almost as though he struggled to understand what he was even saying. i can see him doing the whole film in one day (couldnt have taken much longer than that, wasnt much to it) and then looking back after with a German translator and going "oh no **** is that what i said? haha wow...could have put a bit more emotion into that". now, i cant entirely blame Uwe for that mistake, some of the lines in the movie were good and actually had a good line of humour. but true humour has a lot to do with the delivery of the speech. you cant have some barely-English speaking German robot delivering comedy lines and sarcastic humour when he doesnt know what hes saying, its embarassing to watch.

the rest of the script was just as robotically spoken and acted, im pretty certain the movie was filmed in one hit, Uwe told everyone it was a practise and to just speak their lines slowly and carefully to make sure they knew them, then he turned around and said cut, thats a wrap, lets go get laughed at by everyone.

the special effects were ok, but given the times we are in with technology, pretty low standard. they could have been more, but as we have been repeatedly made witnesses to, Uwe Boll has absolutely no talent or imagination, period. now some of you can get up on me for that and thats fine, no maybe i couldnt do better, but you know what...thats NOT my job. im not a movie director, nor do i claim to be. Uwe Boll is not only a (self-proclaimed) "director" but he thinks quite highly of himself, if anyone has seen his interviews. i cant for the life of me understand where this ego derives from...i think the man may have a special handicap and should probably see someone about it. hes special, because he thinks hes special. hey Uwe Boll, have you seen Old Yella? guess what mate...you're the dog. and you need to be put down. ok no that was harsh i was trying for a laugh but you see where im headed? this man has no talent, he has no imagination, and short of performing some major felatio on the big film execs, i dunno where else he gets his funding from.

now, i could seriously keep going on about how bad the movie was, and how much of a far cry it is from FarCry (you knew that line was coming) but im gonna stop there before i find myself resorting to cutting myself like an emo in order to get the experience out of me. its crawling all over my skin and i feel dirty, wheres daddys favourite razor blade? if you're planning on watching this movie and trying to pain the whole thing out as i did, just to see if it turns out ok...well dont say i didnt warn you. just remember these few things;

1 - dont watch this movie late (nearly fell asleep twice, i think i missed 10 mins of it)

2 - ensure you have someone else there to keep you entertained, the movie sure as hell wont do that for you

3 - please, for the love of god. get stoned, get drunk, drop a pill, snort coke, take acid! anything to enhance the experience as much as possible, with the hopes of completely forgetting what you just went through.

** NO I DO NOT CONDONE THE USE OF DRUGS. BUT YOU SOMETIMES, PEOPLE, THE SITUATION CALLS FOR IT, YOU KNOW. WHILE IN MOST OTHER CASES THIS DOESNT APPLY, WITH FARCRY DRUGS ARE THE ANSWER**

this film is worth forgetting. the only time i would recommend watching it...is when you feel that down about yourself that suicide is the only answer. that way you can go "oh hold on, ill watch FarCry. heh, at least i didnt have anything to do with making that. i feel better now. at least im not Uwe Boll".

actually scratch that, those with suicidal tendencies, dont watch this film. it'll be the last thing you do in this world.

so im pretty sure i got my message across as to how i felt about this "movie". for those that didnt get a clear message from me, heres a nice analogy to sum up the experience one will get from watching this movie:

you're 9 years old, and your bestest friend in the whole world is your lovable golden retriever Lucky. its your 10th birthday, and you know mummy and daddy have got you something really, really good. "the best thing yet" they said, they've been planning it all week. you get a nice, big wrapped gift, tied up with a big colourful ribbon tied only the way mum can do it (how does she always do it so awesome) ... you untie the present, remove the lid, only to find a nice ripe dog ****. thats right. and as you sit there, puzzling over what has just happened, you look up and daddy goes "happy birthday child. this came from your best friend in the whole world, Lucky. it was the last thing he left behind before i ran him over with the car this morning."